Here I am, in late April, as drawn by myself in the Ambassador East in Chicago. They are one of those hotels that grant temporary occupancy of fine bath robes. I do enjoy a good bathrobe. At this point, I was new to left-handed drawing, but I believe I captured a Picasso-influenced / idiot savant BIG NOSE that I may be.

 
Here’s me with my friend Jim and his sister-in-law during his niece’s birthday bowling party. Each of us had just thrown a strike.

Unfortunately, I have not yet received my last paycheck, due to Draft FCB red tape. But when I do: it’s been EARMARKED for the Hinche Fund. You can read about Haiti fund by St. Monica. Or, just donate to the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund. Or even the Red Cross…. (amen).  Actually, forget the Red Cross. Go with Clinton Bush: you have to appreciate a COMEDY DUO composed of our most recent Presidents that is on a humanitarian mission in the Third World… these guys are comic geniuses. (I’m sure you’ve seen that “wipe the hands on Bill’s shirt” gag).

As a result, thousands of Haitians have been standing in line to have their stress tested. The results: very high.

MH: Hello, Mr. Dimon. I appreciate you giving up some of your valuable time.

JD: I can spare some minutes. My money is working for me. That means I can be somewhere, doing something, on a boat, or playing golf, and still be making bank. Do you understand? Do you own anything?

MH: No, I.. I did own. I understand what you say, but I..

JD: Don’t own jack shit?

MH: Well, I do.. I did.. it’s not much. It was worth more, but…

JD: But now it’s not worth as much? And you’re going to blame me? It could be a lot worse. A lot worse. My troops have kept this country in one piece. My troops have..

MH: Troops? Your bank?

JD: Kid, I don’t only have money working for me. I have a LOT of money working for me AND I have an ARMY of bankers working for me. That means lots of money and lots of control. And I haven’t even been in my New York office in a month.

MH: Well, I can respect that Mr. Dimon. I’m not in a position to buy now but…

JD:     You should be snapping things up. A young man… you should be buying these distressed, stressed old ladies’ homes. Twenty cents on a dollar! It’s all out there to be taken. You don’t want to own? You want to be a nothing your whole life?

MH:     I’d like to question you, Mr. Dimon about what you said last week about what you call excessive criticism of your bank.

JD: My people have come down, and walk among you, and the American people are neither grateful nor sympathetic. And yet, an earthquake hits Haiti – little insignificant Haiti! – and everyone’s sending money. Instantly! By cellphone! It’s ridiculous…

MH:     Regarding Haiti, Mr. Dimon, what reaction would you think would be appropriate?

JD: A proportionate response. First off, storms are gonna hit every 5-7 years. It’s natural. Second: Haiti’s total losses will be about one billion dollars. You’d hardly call that “too big to fail.” My bank has lost much much more than that.

MH:     You believe the U.S. is over-reacting to the Haitian crisis?

JD:     My worry is that by sending so many resources to Haiti, we neglect the banking systems needs and the U.S. is in less of a position to be able to ply money into Wall Street. And that would be a crisis.

MH: Your bank, JP Morgan Chase WaMu received $50 billion in TARP money.

JD: Which we’ve repaid.

MH: But you want more .. what?

JD: Short term, we just want to give and receive extraordinary bonuses, within the banking community, without the public calling it perverse or villain-like. Or taxing it.

MH: You think bonuses should not be taxed?

JD: Not at the federal or state level.

MH: Just in … New York City?

JD: That’s right. Bloomberg knows how to put money to use. He’s managed this city like none other. He’s done a first-rate job. You can’t argue with that. We’re pleased to have him in place.

MH: You supported his re-election I imagine?

JD: Support? It was absolutely necessary that he be given a third term. He’s a former banker. Can you imagine having a non-banker in office while there’s all this banking going on?

MH: I can understand your enthusiasm. But you’re implying that the Federal government cannot likewise manage money? Is that an indictment of the Obama administration?

JD: They’ve done some things right. It was important early on, to reinforce that the nation needs rich people, those who are entitled to a majority of wealth. After we lost that wealth, there had to be a way to get more money to us. So to that extent, the administration was absolutely correct. But since then, they’ve made several missteps.

MH: Such as?

JD: Such as lending the money with conditions! Such as wanting to tax our profits!

MH: But hasn’t your bank quickly made large profits based on the low-interest bailout money, which you’ve used to purchase securities and bonds with a much higher yield?

JD: Yes we did. But that was last year. Now where is the free money?

MH: Are you proposing a second wave of TARP?

JD: TARP, at the end of the day, was inefficient. Like going around your ass to get to your elbow. The best way to get money into Wall Street is to give some of us direct access to the mint.

MH: The U.S. mint?

JD: The best feeling in the world, kid, is to have streams of cold hard cash plied up your asshole. I have keys to the vaults, but not to where it’s made. Ah, to be present at the time of Creation!

MH: Thank you for your time, Mr. Dimon.