By Tom Greenhill
Guest Columnist

The Japanese automakers are eating America’s lunch, offering well-designed cars that are light years ahead of Detroit’s offerings in terms of ergonomics and reliability. Having owned both domestic and Asian cars, I wouldn’t even consider buying from the Big Three again. By far the most dependable car I’ve ever had was my 2003 Toyota Camry. I had it for five years and it was never in the shop aside from routine maintenance. It was always in perfect running condition which is why I had such peace of mind letting the wife use it for the occasional errand. I’d have to say that my Camry was the automotive equivalent of a best friend—right up until the moment it accidentally accelerated with my wife behind the wheel, killing her, our 3-year old daughter, two bystanders, and all of my hope for a fulfilling, happy life.

I know I know: I’m not giving Ford and Chevy enough credit; each has made strides to reduce the quality gap with Japan. Years of investment in machinery and research in labor processes are paying off. In the most recent J.D. Power Rating of Initial Customer Satisfaction, three of the top ten were American. But that’s just for the first year of ownership. As we all know, within a couple years, little problems come up. And by the fourth year, little problems become big problems. The domestics just don’t have the staying power to keep you absolutely content for half a decade and then self-destruct in a bizarre and intense fireball borne of its inherent but well-concealed inability to brake when approaching a major intersection on a Thursday afternoon.

Not so with the “rice burners.” My Camry, or “Cami” as the deceased wife called it, was a workhorse day in and day out. I knew that as long as I put gas in her, she would run. I may have had more trouble with my Swiss watch than with the Toyota, or “toy toy” as my baby girl who will never again walk the earth used to so cutely call it.

There is no quick-fix that would bring the Big Three to parity with Toyota. The answer is not to have GM and Ford and Chrysler simply roll-out new cars that haven’t brakes. No, then you would expect the cars to be unable to stop, and thus wouldn’t be horrifically snapped out of suburban complacency by a frantic cellphone call from the one and only love of your life as she begs you to tell her how to stop the damn thing and your mind races through your entire experience and knowledge of automobiles, the chore made harder by the terrible cries of your unseen daughter, and you start towards the computer to Google “no brakes” but your progress is abruptly interrupted by a magnificent scream and a collision and the phone goes dead which you are suddenly certain is the fate also of your small family and you are left wondering if your beloved heard you say “I love you” and you wonder still if her “I’m sorry” was directed to you or to the unfortunate pedestrians who crossed the street, unaware of their date with the awful, full realization of intelligent design?

No, this will require a long-term commitment. The American automakers have to develop bedrock trust among its customers and a sterling reputation with the market as a whole if they can ever hope to “Jap” us with a surprise failure of a basic, core component that’s integral to any moving vehicle.

And we can’t lose sight of our priorities. Much has been said — and spent!– on developing “green” cars. That’s great as far as it goes. But will these hybrids and electric cars provide also a false sense of security? It’s not enough to reduce our carbon footprint. Our cars must also be dependable and have in them a latent ability to be the direct causal factor in the deaths of scores of innocents. But with all the politics and infighting, it’s unlikely. I’ll sooner walk my girl down the aisle than see an American-made car that marries the latest leaps in quality with the old-fashioned “unsafe at any speed” GM output that made Ralph Nader famous.

As things stand now, I just don’t see America recovering that lost ingenuity. If I can ever leave my bed, put this devastation behind me, and rejoin society, I’ll get a Prius.

brakes, recall, Toyota

The Maytag Company had to recall more than 2 million dishwashers due to faulty wiring that has caused 123 fires. The company instructed owners to unplug their machine and call to arrange an on-site repair.

In a related story, “Old Lonely,”the Maytag repairman has died of a heart attack.

OR

The company is reconsidering its decision of staffing its repair division with just one employee, and letting him grow to be a bumbling, aloof old fool.

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Things are even worse for Maytag: ‘Old Lonely’ is refusing to do the work. He said, “I have a ten thousand Myspace friends; I don’t need this.”

The Maytag Repairman has sought out the advice of Chris Cringle. “How can I be a million places in one night?” Replied Santa: “Don’t ask me, ask Paris Hilton.”

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(for Lenos)
Looks like Old Lonely is finally going to meet a lot of folks. … he released a statement: “Be careful what you wish for.”

dishwasher, Maytag, Ol Lonely, recall, repairman